Boneless Wings and a Spineless Customer

Like most Americans, I enjoy going out to eat.  I love being able to sit at booth (always a booth.  For some reason I'm not a big fan of tables.  Just thought I'd throw that fact out there), sip a cold beverage, and be waited on hand and foot.  I make sure that when my waiter or waitress comes around to take my order, I am both courteous and respectful.  I've been a waitress before, so I know what it's like to have rude customers.  That's how a person can end up with weird things in their food...so I've heard.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to go to one of my favorite local restaurants, The Chicken Coop!  I went with Dylan, Mollie, and her boyfriend, Greg.  We found a corner table and ordered our drinks.  While we waited for our waitress, the subjects of baseball, Alex Rodriguez, and "The Bachelor" were discussed.  Things were going swimmingly...until our waitress came back with our drinks and seemed in a hurry to get our orders taken.  It went something like this:

Greg:  "I'll take the Buck Nasty wings".

Waitress: (stunned look) "are you sure?"

Greg: (now confused and second guessing himself) "...uh, yeah..?!"

Dylan: "I'll also take the Buck Nasty wings".  

Waitress: (rolls her eyes and walks away)

...A-W-K-W-A-R-D

I think Dylan and I once had this waitress before.  I remember being scared of her for some reason.  I think it had something to do with her one grey tooth, the fact that she was/is a bit rough around the edges, and...oh yeah, she acted like she had the hots for Dylan.  So you can imagine my comfort level when we went to go home and she stared at me and said, "ummm, what's going on?  Are you going to take your food home with you or just keep talking?"  I smiled, threw my leftovers in the take home box that was provided, and never gave her a second look.

Our waitress did a number of other things last night (mostly saying rude things and being blatantly flirtatious towards Greg and Dylan.  I'm very secure in my marriage, but I did flash my wedding ring a few times and put my arm around Dylan at least twice when our waitress was around.  ha!)

We all left a short time later after leaving a generous tip (I was afraid she was going to hunt us down and beat us up if we didn't leave at least 25%).

Dylan and I will still venture to the Chicken Coop.  We will still sit at a corner table.  And we (I) will still cower in fear when that infamous waitress brings us (me) our drinks.  

Feliz Dia de Darwin!!!

That's "Happy Darwin Day" to all of you who aren't currently in Brazil (oh...and yes, I do realize that I should have gone with Portuguese instead of Spanish , but I work with what I know).  It's the 200th anniversary of Darwin's B-day and the 150th anniversary of the publication of On The Origin of Species and I get the joy of spending it less than a couple hundred kilometers from where The Beagle first made landfall on the South American continent....not bad.  No, not bad at all.   Well...that's not to say that things haven't gone bad, or at least odd, on this trip so far though....

Well, I don't know whether to begin or end by talking about my "guide" here in Brazil.  He is a nice man, working for the company I'm meeting with here, but....to say he is helping me, guiding me, or anything else of the sort, is a bit of a stretch.  So far, he's gotten lost or severely confused while driving to the following places: the airport parking lot exit, my first hotel, dinner the first night, to work the 1st day, from work the 1st day, to work the 2nd day, from work the 2nd day, to work, from work, to work, from work....literally every day (and yes it is to and from the same place), into the hotel parking lot, out of the hotel parking lot (although in all fairness, this one he was trying to do while in reverse...for no apparent reason...which is tough...and also makes all of the buttons to raise the gait on the wrong side of the car), to dinner tonight, home from dinner tonight.  I'm not even going to begin talking about the mishaps he has while trying to WALK towards any particular entrance or exit.  

None the less though, my friend did get me a pretty good meal....well...not Monday night when, after work, he said he would call me in a little bit for dinner and then did....at 6:15 the next morning...because he fell asleep.  However, we have been to one Brazilian BBQ which was incredible.  And while they haven't yet fed me cow brains, as my mom warned and had experienced herself down here, I have had to fight off more than my fair share of chicken hearts.  On our way home from the BBQ, after running 2 red lights because "this is not an area you want to stop and wait in," my friend said, "I'm so sad, the hungry is dead" - which is either a brilliant joke or a horrible misunderstanding on my part.  I don't know which, but for the rest of the drive, all I could picture was a small orange fuzzy monster, the one representing hunger in recent diet ads, stumbling out of the restaurant, clutching his chest, and slowly expiring along the side of the road.

Prior to going to dinner, my friend (I'm going to keep calling him "friend" because if I let my actual emotions get out about him, I'm worried what I would say) and his wife were nice enough to take me shopping in case I wanted to buy anything.  Unfortunately, it was to....the mall.   America invented the mall (as far as I know) and so it was really the last place I wanted to shop.  I was already picturing arriving home and giving Heidi her present..."here you go honey, it's from Lady Foot Locker...no...the one in Brazil!"  However, Heidi can't even get that, because everything was closed except for the bookstore...essentially a Barnes and Noble.  I said, "that's okay, I'll look around here" (primarily because I had been warned that the town we were traveling to for the week was tiny and without anything to do).  So I was trying to find all my gifts and souvenirs at this store...which is all the more annoying when my friend and his wife, to be helpful no doubt, followed me step by step through the store, peering over my shoulder, repeatedly insisting that I go to the English Language section.  I wanted to shout...."Listen dammit, if I wanted to latest Dean Koontz paperback I would have bought it at the Des Moines airport!  Now let me shop and  buy something unique."  In the end, however, I did not say that, and they did force me to the English language section and made the worker there go find and bring me every English language book in the store.  After settling on a few, I looked at the journals on the way to the checkout.  I found one that looked really great, wrapped in leather, unique....as I looked through it, my friend took it from my hand, said "it is a diary...but no dates on the pages....that's not good" and put it back on the shelf.  So, not wanting to offend, I left it there...the one item I actually wanted in the store....and headed off to pay.  While in line, my friends wife, having seen the problem with the journal I wanted...brought me a suitable replacement.  A bright pink plastic diary with a little girl on it covered in sparkles, hearts and flowers....Perfect!  (Heidi...guess what present you're getting from Brazil)

So, I should really move on to more pressing matters...such as work.  On Monday morning we met up with a coworker, Ana, and headed off to our client's site...a major chemical manufacturer.  Because this is a major worldwide company, they required us all to go through safety training first.  The three of us checked in, went to the meeting room, and sat down amongst a group of about 50 people.  The trainers came out, and it began...in Portuguese....for two hours.  If you've ever had trouble staying awake during a long company meeting of your own, try doing it when you don't understand a word being said, at all, and they just keep talking, and talking, and talking.  Luckily I was able to entertain myself by watching my surroundings...such as my friend with his head between in legs sleeping, and Ana, her legs crossed into her lap, scouring up and down each with tweezers, pulling out every hair she found....right next to me....in the company meeting.  i was relieved when we finally took a break until I realized that during this break they began handing out a stack of papers and pens....a test...in Portuguese.  I have to thank my friend, however, because without missing a beat (for once) he gave me a look and leaned in towards me with his paper.  It was multiple choice...I passed the test.

So....what else could possibly have happened during my trip that would warrant a blog entry...there can't be anything else right?   Wrong!  Here they are in condensed story format:

Tuesday...while getting into the car after a long day of work I heard a horrifying "riiip."  yes...it was the seat of my pants ripping out.  Luckily we only had to make two stops on the way to the hotel....a hardware store and a restaurant for dinner and drinks....awkward!

Speaking of hardware stores...We needed to go find some electrical tape to fix my computer cord.  We went to several stores...all of which led us to other stores....until finally one pointed out a hardware store several blocks away.  We began walking until my friend, once again, decided we were lost.  Luckily for us, someone came by...actually lots of people came by...any of which looked like they'd be happy to give us directions.  However, my friend decide to only ask one.  This one was the dreadlocked, dirty, tattered man, carrying a garbage bag of cans and refuse, who was talking out loud long before we ever asked him a question.  Amazingly for us he knew where to get some electrical tape...just up the street and then a left...down the long dark unmarked alley.  He began leading us this way and I could tell even my friend was leery....however...he slowly proceeded until the man stopped to pound on a random solid door in the middle of a long metal fence.  There were no signs or windows...no ads saying Electric Tape 'R Us....nothing to indicate we would receive anything in this establishment other than our worst nightmare...so...we left, thanking the man as we darted back to the street never looking back.  

The Brazilians are a hard working people...except after lunch, when we went everyday and played foozball and for an hour.  My skills improved tremendously over the week and I even played on a team with the Sao Paulo regional foozball champion.....

I was scolded by my friend for closing his car door too hard....repeatedly

I have heard Portuguese covers of the following songs:

My Heart Will Go On

Truly Madly Deeply by Savage Garden.....maybe the most obscure song to cover ever.

In the end....I really shouldn't complain at all.  After all...I did spend the other night sitting in 90 degree weather, eating chicken pieces individually wrapped in bacon, watching Brazil defeat Italy in Soccer, listening to Samba music.  Not too bad for a week of work.

I'll see everyone soon.

Brazil is nice...but West Des Moines is better!!..?

As some of you know, Dylan  is currently working, making money, and probably seeing some cool things in Brazil.  He left yesterday morning and will return home this coming Saturday.  At first, I was slightly envious.  Who wouldn't be?  It's Summer where he is.  There are beaches where he is.  He can wear shorts, get a tan, and buy some cool new books.  However, I can honestly say that I live in a place where I can do pretty cool things too.  The place is West Des Moines.  Take a moment.  Think about what I just typed....then allow me to illustrate my point.  

1.  It's Summer in Brazil, and Dylan gets to wear shorts.

That sounds great, doesn't it?  But heck, yesterday's temperature reached 52 degrees.  Today it was near 50, and by Tuesday, it's predicted to be close to 65 degrees...in West Des Moines!  Who needs Summer with temperatures like these?!  Plus, I don't like shorts.

2.  Dylan gets to ride in airplanes and see the clouds.

FACT:  When flying in airplanes, one might experience turbulence.  Driving around this weekend on the pothole laced streets made me feel like I was experiencing turbulence.  Did I get to see clouds?  No.  But with all the rattling, banging, and bumper car-like driving I've done, I have seen my life flash before my eyes...which in my opinion, is a little more magical than clouds.  And it all happened in West Des Moines!!

3.  Dylan gets to eat exotic foods and try new things.

So do I!  Did you know that in a place like West Des Moines, there are stores that sell different flavors of syrup?  I'm not talking syrup for pancakes--I'm talking latte syrup.  I actually bought something other than caramel flavored syrup yesterday!  So, what exotic flavor did I try...and later buy?  VANILLA!!!  Look out world, Heidi Baker is breaking out of her comfort zone and is officially living dangerously...and exotically!

You see?  West Des Moines is...better.  Right?  I do know that it would be better if Dylan was home.  But I know he'll bring home lots of pictures, antique books for himself and Mike, and an interest in my week.  That's when I can tell him about the dangerous animal I saw somewhere in or around our house.  I can say that it will rival anything he's going to find in Brazil... 

(Stay tuned for a blog dealing with that monster!)

Who lost 40 pounds?!

Wow!  Two blogs in one day...from two different people!  How lucky are you, our bakery customer?!  My little rant won't be too long at all.  I just wanted to say that I got my first paying voice over job this week!  It is for a company called "Complete Nutrition", based out of Omaha or Lincoln.  I was going to try to attach the commercial to this blog, but I don't know how.  Maybe it's not even possible.  Either way, if you'd like to hear it, I can email it to you!  The funniest part of the commercial is I get to say (rather excitedly) "I used it...and lost 40 pounds!".  Nothing like lying to consumers.  

I am going to say good bye for now, and get to work on more voice work.  If you want to check out my website...here it is:  www.voices.com/people/heidiabaker

And if you get bored someday and want me to make a commercial for you, I will...at little to no charge.  Just kidding.  I'll charge a lot.  

Digital Aversion

We all have our pet peeves...for example, mine include bringing a ziploc bag of veggies to a sporting event or airport, talking during a movie, balancing one's checkbook or doing other mundane activities during a movie, asking questions during a movie...really just doing anything during a movie other staring intently, eyes wide open, at the screen in front of you....unless of course the movie is Mamma Mia...which I've recently named the worst movie I've seen this year.  

Despite all of those annoyances...for the last year, the biggest thorn in my side has been the endless parade of commercials warning about the need for a digital conversion box.  With the move to digital broadcast signals, I realize there is a need for those without cable to get such a box.  In fact, I realize it every day...multiple times a day...constantly...as rarely does an hour go by without a public service announcement warning of it.  Between the constant advertisements, scrolling warnings, and announcements, you'd think there was some sort of Digital Hurricane on its way to destroy our lands, flood our crops, steal our pets, plunder and prune the hedges of many small villages (contest: who can identify that reference first?).  Needless to say, I've been anxiously awaiting February when the conversion would finally happen and we could rid the world of these announcements...in fact...I've been counting the time down with each ad I've seen.  

So...You can imagine my dismay when I learned last week that they will be delaying the conversion until this summer to give people more time to get ready.  I think the government, as it so often does, is overlooking true human nature.  If an entire year of being barraged with reminders has not forced you to go get a converter box, then I assure you that six more months won't matter.  As a perpetual procrastinator myself....I know how this works, and the only thing that would get me to go get a converter box would be to wake up one morning and have my TV not work.  

 

So, in the end, can we please just do the conversion already and move on with our lives.  I don't know why this issue became to object of my disdain, but it did.  And, like any good pet peeve, it may be completely irrational, but it's still driving me crazy.

(Temporary) Badge of Honor

So, let me start off by saying how excited I am to have a job that...pays!  It will be nice to bring home a paycheck once again!  That means I won't be donating plasma, selling cd's, or auctioning off Noel.  

I started at Wells Fargo today as a payment processor person (I don't really know my title, I'll be honest).  I have never worked for a large corporation, and sadly, it showed today.  The following are a few mini situations that occurred today--my first day at work:

1) When I entered the side door (the same door that Dylan and I scoped out days earlier, just to make sure I knew where to go) of Wells Fargo, I noticed it was A) a revolving door, and B) it wasn't moving--even when I pushed it.  A small line was forming behind me, which made me a bit anxious.  I asked one of the men behind me what I should do.  He looked annoyed and said "you aren't allowed to enter here.  You don't have a badge.  You have to go to that door".  (That door was located on the other side of the massive building).  oops.

2) After I made it inside of Wells Fargo, I had to check in with a security guard.  He asked me who I was and what my purpose was for being at Wells Fargo.  I said my name and told him I was to meet with Melissa.  "Melissa who?" he asked.  "I don't know," I replied.  "Then you can't enter.  You need to figure out her last name", the man said, as he pointed to the exit doors.  Are you kidding me?!  I had to go outside, look through my phone records, and call Melissa to ask her last name.  I dialed the number, and I heard 'Hello, this is Lisa.'  Oops.  I went back inside to see the same security guard and told him "I am here to see Lisa Epplinger.  Not Melissa.  sorry."  I got a temporary badge and had a seat.

3) The new trainees (there were five of us) had to do the obligatory thing and have a tour of the building.  I ran into two people during the tour.  Like, literally.  I almost tripped one because I wasn't paying attention, and the other person kind of shoved me.  Great first impression.  ha!

4) There were a few points during the day when conversation was lagging.  I hate long silences, so I chimed in to the group (made up of the manager of the Apple store, a young mom, a woman who had lipstick on her teeth the whole morning, and a lady dressed in green.).  I said "geez, I've never worked in a company this big."  nobody said anything.  I learned quickly, not to talk for the rest of the day.

I go back to Wells Fargo tomorrow, same time, same place.  They do serve Starbucks there, so that 's exciting.  And I heard that I might be handling the loans taken out by famous celebrities.  As long as I enter through the correct doors, know the name of my supervisor, and keep my mouth shut, it's going to be a fun day tomorrow!

Whistle while you Work

It feels so good to be back in radio!  I feel like the world of Broadcasting and I fit together perfectly, and it makes me so happy to be back where I "belong".  

I drove to downtown Des Moines this morning to meet with my new supervisor and the volunteer coordinator.  I still have to use my GPS to get to downtown, but I have a feeling in a couple of trips, I will never have to use it again (I promise, Dylan).  The radio station studio is located on the 11th floor of the beautiful Hotel Des Moines, which boasts all original wood work and the scariest elevators ever (the one I rode on today shook so much, I started thinking of what I would do if I got stuck on it--cry, probably).  

The volunteer coordinator met me in one of the offices in the studio for a training session.  I won't reveal her name...you'll soon see why.  She was dressed professionally, had a sunny disposition, a slight bit of red lipstick on her teeth...., and she whistled when she talked.   If you've ever seen the show "Arrested Development", picture the scene where Gob loses his tooth and can't pronounce s-words without whistling.  It was hard not to laugh.  Not in a mean way, mind you.  Rather in a 'aww shucks.  You're neat" kind of way.  

Either way, the session lasted one hour and I was out of there!  But not before signing papers, getting my picture taken, and getting my hours for the week.  

If you're wondering, I'll be on 99.1FM, Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 1:00-3:00 PM, and Saturday nights!!!!  I am so excited!  And next time you're in town and want to see the studio or ride the most frightening elevators ever...let me know! :)  

oh, and for more reading enjoyment, here's the radio station website:  www.kfmg991.org.

Ah yes,...and I start at Wells Fargo on Monday.